It seems everyone has babies on the brain. They've definitely been on my mind lately. My sister had a new baby 2 weeks ago, and that little Ari is a doll! But seriously, I have been asked probably 5 times lately when I was going to have a baby. Let me explain...
I was asked in a polite and acceptable manner by a woman I know if I thought I might want to have children one day. This question does not bother me at all. I replied and said "maybe one day, but who knows. I work a lot and so does my husband so the time will have to work out for us." She replied "oh, so you would want to continue to work if you had a kid?" Uh, yeah. I have a great job, which I happen to love. Please note that she did not ask if my husband would want to continue to work. Just me. Gender stereotypes make me want to scream. If you choose to not work outside the home after you have a child then good on ya. My mother did not work outside the home, and I think I am better for it. But, women who continue to work outside the home are OK, too.
I was asked by a woman who works with me when I was going to have children. This question really doesn't bother me much. It does assume that I want children, but most people want children so it's not too bad. I said something like "I don't know. I'm pretty happy with my life the way it is." It still throws me, though. I am happy with my life the way it is. I like to travel, sleep in, stay out late, eat dinner out, drink too much wine, watch TV uninterrupted, exercise, etc. I know good and well that I won't be able to do those things nearly as often as I do now if I have children. I'm not sure I'm ready give that up. I do want kids, but I'm not sure when. And that's OK with me.
I told a good friend that I had something to tell her. She said, "You're pregnant!" This bothers me a lot. Probably because it happens to me so often. Anytime I start a sentence with "guess what" or "I have news" it is followed with "you're pregnant!" News flash, I have other things going on in my life that warrant excitement. When did I become old news to my friends.
My husband and I live about 3.5 hours away from our families. He works odd hours (nights, weekends, holidays) so we do not get to go visit them often. Randomly last summer, he had 2 weekends in a row off. We decided to go visit our families both weekends. Who knew when we'd see them next? A dear friend found out and told a mutual close friend she thought the reason we were visiting 2 consecutive weekends was because I was pregnant. Who thinks that way?! Luckily, the mutual friend saw the absurdity and set her straight.
I guess I just feel like when Kris and I choose to have a baby is our business. I know people don't intend to be nosey, but sometimes I want to say "NEVER!" just to get people to back off. Don't worry, I haven't actually done that. The hardest part is that my husband does not seem to understand why this bothers me so much. He's much more "go with the flow" than I am. Seriously, I don't think anything bothers him. I feel like guys don't have the pressure on them that women do to have children. It's like just being yourself is not enough. Which is so weird to me because I feel like I'm enough. I feel like if this is as good as it ever gets then I am 100% happy and so thankful for how much God has blessed me. Not to burden you with this, but I know my readership is predominantly, if not 100%, female so I feel like you guys will get where I'm coming from.
I in no way mean this as a slight towards women who choose to be mothers, stay-at-home, outside-the-home, or otherwise. I also hope this doesn't come off too harsh. I do not mean it that way. I admire mothers. I hope to be one some day. All I'm saying is my life is full and interesting so it isn't something I feel like I have to do right this second. I am open to the fact that my mind may change in 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, or at some other point in the future. Hell, it could change tonight. Who knows? But until it does, I'm happy with my husband and my dogs. I love our little family, and I think it's just perfect the way it is.
Love this. I'm single... so I don't get the "are you pregnant" question often. But I totally agree.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I shouldn't be sho bothered by it, but it happens a lot so it's hard not to let it get to me.
DeleteI am in an opposite place ... I want a baby badly. BUT - I agree with you. That is YOUR business! And people shouldn't have children just because "you're at that stage in life". Children are 110% of your time and energy. There is NOTHING wrong with you doing "you". I think people from older generations especially just don't get that. They don't understand that for some women, children are a "hmmm, maybe, we'll see" and not an "absolutely". I also hate parents who just want grandchildren so badly. It's like, HELLO. Do you want your grandchildren to be raised by people who don't even want kids?! Makes no sense!
ReplyDeleteThis topic irritates me too. I lost a baby, so it's irritating to me for people to be like, "What are y'all waiting for?" or "Y'all need six." I know they are just being sweet or whatever, but I wanna say, "Well, I lost a baby and a fallopian tube, so we'll just have to wait and see." Ha! :)
I understand people are trying to be sweet, but it still bothers me for some reason. It makes me feel not good enough as I am or like I'm letting people down. I don't want those feelings associated with bringing a child into the world. I do want children. It's just the time frame that I'm unsure about.
DeleteI'm with Beth (Shug in Boots) on this one. I have so many friends who have experienced losses or are struggling with infertility and this question really burns my buns. I also have to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "How do you know I can even have children?" But instead I just smile and say, "not any time soon", because I'm right there with you, Jessica. I like my life the way it is. Also, my condolences to you on your loss, Beth.
ReplyDeleteI think I definitely want children. It's the time frame that I'm unsure about. I don't feel like it is a decision I have to make immediately. Maybe I'm just too sensitive? I don't know.
DeleteDefinitely not. Nor is it a decision that you have to share with others.
DeleteI'm already a mama to one, but I remember what it felt like before. I was the same as you and so tired of that question. Yes, I wanted to have kids, but had no particular time frame. Then something happened and I knew I wanted to a mama, but it took another three years before falling pregnant. And once you have a kid, they start to ask you when number two comes around. It's as bad, I'd love to have another baby, but i know that won't happen now or maybe even never. It never stops ...
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you 100%. I've never liked this question, feel awkward asking our answering it.
ReplyDeleteI have a 2 year old and people are constantly asking me when I'm going to have another. We don't plan on having anymore kids, we are completely 100% happy with our perfect little family and life. But ppl will always ask and more than that tell me how I need to have more children so my daughter has a sibling. The truth is we need to to make our decisions about our own family. I think people just ask out of a way to make conversation, so I try not to let anyone bother me. But people don't seem to understand their opinions were not asked for and are not welcome. Take your time and enjoy being a couple. Life changes in the most wonderful way once u have children but u do give up a lot and no one should be pressured into that!
ReplyDeleteI don't think your the only one out the struggling with this topic right now. I agree it's a personal choice and you never know what a couple is going through. But I do think they are only asking to be nice. I enjoy children but currently do see any in our future, we'll be married in Oct and I know the baby questions will follow shortly. Thankfully my family will probably be the only ones who don't start in on that topic. They never pressed the issue of when my boyfriend and I were going to get married. Whats also interesting is my grandparents (the ones you would assume would want me to get married) were one of the few people who told me its just not how it was when they were younger and that I didn't need to get married until I was good and ready!
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